Me & My Dysfunctional Fairytale

Once upon a time…. Okay so I’m not gonna get all corny, with an exaggerated story like some fairytale or something, actually Im gonna first bring you up to speed on my life thus far, and my life now. So keep in mind this is my dysfunction at its best.

Me; (Ohdanigurl) Im just a southern woman, born and raised in a small town in Florida. Dont get your hopes up, It may sound cool, because instantly you think Florida = beach…Well life isnt always beachy as you could say. I have lived here all my life, I went to school here, made friends, scored enemies. There’s been alot of ups and downs over the years. Lets just say its been one hell of a roller coaster. 

Growing up here, there wasn’t and still isnt really much to do. (30+years) I mean come on has anyone ever heard of a town with nothing and I mean nothing for teens to do, except go to church or party. 

Schools down here in the day were cruel, and still are. Just like I’m sure they were or are where your from. Its a dog eat dog world. Only the strong survive. I actually left my high school back in 98 knowing I was making some very poor descions in my life, just to go to the school I felt I should have went to in the first place. Only to make some even more poor descions. I know, I know. Does anyone ever learn? Not long after, my poor descions caught up with me. I was made an example of, first crime and I did the time. (Crime doesn’t pay)

But let’s be honest, I was young and naive. I needed help. I was deeply depressed in high school, with several suicide attempts. Even hospitalized once. Problem was some couldn’t see it. I was spiraling out of control. So much so I ultimately ended up being sentenced to 60 months. (I know harsh right?)

I lost everything, my education, family and friends, little did I know my life changed forever, I would never get it back. My poor descions, caused not only me, but those around me grief, heartache, and well burdens. I was young, naive, and stupid. I lost my way, somewhere, and couldnt get it back.

I disappointed everyone including myself. Upon the system finally feeling I had rehabilitated myself, ( I was actually an inmate of all girls Camp Jones Boot Camp, part of a program of Lowell C.I.) I was released. ( Released per the actions of guards, lengthy lockdown and a flaw in the law and the amoint of time spent in Boot Camp.)

Coming home, to someplace, I had lost years ago, felt foreign. Scared of repeating my past mistakes, I ran. I ran to relationships, not saying those relationships were bad. Just saying nothing is good on rebounds, or insecurities. I tried to succeed, but couldn’t mainly because I still couldnt forgive myself. I hated myself, for ruining my life. I felt like I was as they say in church meant for hell. I wanted to show people I wasnt the same little girl that disappointed everyone. Hell I couldnt even look in the mirror.

I spent years trying to prove to everyone else instead of myself. Along the way I met, who is now today my Ex-husband. It was a long 10+ years. . We worked together, connected on what we laughed at as our Business honeymoon. Rushing our feelings, and not really getting the bigger picture. I mean I was still trying to forgive myself from the years before. I didnt love me, so how could I love him. Hell I didn’t even know who I was.

Mistake #1 – Dont ever get married, if you have baggage holding you back from admitting you are worth something if not to anyone else but yourself.
So blinded by happiness, lust, and all the wrong things, we got married, not saying we didn’t love each other, we do. But we just dealt ourselves a shitty card. He joined the military, moving me finally away from Florida, to Texas. Hoping this would be a fresh start, instead it led to my depression. Lost in a whole new world, I felt alone, unloved, because again I didn’t love myself, and tortured by my past. I just couldn’t let go. Not realizing it was damaging to not only myself, but my husband now as well. Leading us to stray, or make some more poor decisions in life. I was devastated and hated life. I felt I couldn’t get a break. Wanted to know what was wrong with me. I allowed others to rule my life, and ran. I always run, I cant handle confrontation, or disappointment. Our communication lost, our passion everything gone. We just spent the time, tearing each other apart. Feeling the other owed us for some reason or another. Alone, I sought out what I felt I was missing in life. Greener pastures, and most importantly myself.

Staying married but separated I went from one bad relationship to a bad friendship, to an obsession, still not grasping, I wasn’t finding myself. Instead I was destroying myself, and those that loved me once again. But in this dysfunctional way of  living, I did however finally find myself, at least a glimpse. I lost myself, only to wake up, and demand more finally from myself, and life, finally seeing, its my life, not theirs. I deserved happiness, and love. I wanted more from my life, not some under the radar, embarrassment or excuse I tried to call life. You see, once again I was only living a dysfunctional fairytale, a roller coaster of ups and downs.

I spent the next few years, chasing a dream, a fictional reality. Consistently fighting reality, staying blind to the truth. I held on to the past, the same past that damaged me to begin with. I thought I was doing all the right things, angry that nothing I did was right, not knowing what I was actually doing wrong. I felt over whelmed and continued to punish myself, from lack of answers. I fought so hard for my life to hold on to what I considered alright and what would help me. I had to completely destroy myself to gain the one thing to make me happy, yet I’m never truly happy am I?

I felt I lost alot along the way and I am now so deep I don’t know how to rebuild myself. I have the one thing I feel dead without, but I still feel lost. Its a battle, a lesson. I suppose..

I’ve spent what seems to be a lifetime, worrying what others thought, and lost the fact, its what I think. That life isn’t about making others happy. I needed happiness too. And I worked on that. I wanted my life back, I wanted love. I wanted my passion for life, I wanted to live.

So After a lengthy abusive marriage, tearing myself apart and rebuilding myself. I had alot to learn. While completely changing my life, out with the old and in with the new. Opening my eyes and becoming more social. Out of the blue, while not even looking. I was hit with that arrow of love. I finally met the man I could call my soul mate, my best friend, and now lover. He’s my other-half. Everything I could be ever wanted or did want, hes given me. I’m no longer that lonely girl at the bar. I’m his bird. I’m happy. Hes given me so much in the past 4 years.

One being reconnecting me with a very special family to me. My soul sister and god children. We try to yearly go and visit them. These are people I met way back when while I was married and living on Fort Hood. Our friendship is one that truly stands the time.

He also taught me how love where I live. Yes I still want out of here, but I do enjoy our red neck dates, our adventures and the way a surfboard feels in the Gulf of Mexico. He opened his whole heart slowly to me, introduced me to his friends. Made me feel apart of his family near and far. I dreamed of a tiny home, and we got one 1 1/2 into our relationship.

I’m finally happy. I’m no longer struggling. I have my moments and still yearn to get out of my small town. But I choose to stay becuase he’s here and worth fighting for. He’s mine. (Our story will be another post)

So there you go, here starts the everyday life inside My Dysfunctional Fairytale. Good things truly do come to those who wait.

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